Trust is often damaged when people are getting divorced. It may be damaged by obvious things like an affair or a lie. But trust may also be broken when people change and just don’t understand each other. The unspoken bonds that once drew people together are damaged.

I know how disorienting it is when I have lost my ability to trust someone who I used to trust implicitly. I feel like I don’t know the person any more. I don’t know how they will respond and what is the truth in our relationship.

Equally uncomfortable is when someone no longer trusts me. I feel frustrated and want desperately to repair the relationship and the loss of trust.

Have you had a loss of trust in your relationship? Maybe an affair took place. Maybe you just feel that your spouse has given up on the dream you once shared so now you feel you just can’t trust them. Maybe you feel like you and your spouse have done and said so many mean things to each other that you have become like strangers to each other – and strangers can’t be trusted.

Some of our clients decide they should just go to Family Court because they don’t trust their spouse. The problem with court is that it can’t ensure your spouse will become trustworthy again. It won’t necessarily solve the breach of trust. The problem with going to court is you are giving up the power to make decisions about your life to the judge. Court is slow, costly and the results are often difficult to predict. Often, the court process itself increases the animosity of the parties. Court is the place of last resort. Court won’t solve the trust issue.

As a result, I thought there must be a better way. How do we build sufficient trust that our clients can negotiate rather than go to court?

I come across some interesting research that suggests there is a way to build sufficient trust so that you and your spouse can negotiate an agreement and avoid court. It is called using Confidence Building Measures. Essentially, what that means is offering unconditional and unilateral gestures of goodwill so that your spouse is willing to see you are genuine about wanting to negotiate a deal.

Working with a Collaborative professional, you can develop and offer your own Confidence Building Measures so that you and your spouse can engage in negotiations. You won’t “save the marriage” but you can build sufficient trust that you can avoid the pain of the court process. We can help.