There are so many emotions involved with divorce and negotiation. Fear, sorrow, guilt, anguish, hurt, anger and so much more. In collaborative divorce you will need to sit at the table with your spouse and your collaborative team to negotiate. If you are too emotional then it is highly likely that the emotions will interfere with the negotiations. If the emotions are so big and unresolved you may cry and not be able to speak, you may yell and not be able to see solutions, you may feel so guilty you want to give everything away.
So what can you do to get ready?
1. Before entering into negotiations you want to acknowledge what emotions are big for you.
2. Ask yourself three questions; How am I feeling about the marriage ending? How am I feeling about splitting everything? How am I feeling about all the changes in my family’s lives?
3. Write a list of the emotions that come up and rate them are they positive or negative.
Positive emotions make you feel light. Negative emotions make you feel heavy.
4. Next rate the emotions on a scale of one to ten. Any negative emotions that you rate five or higher, you need to be worked through before you go into negations. Any positive emotions that are five or lower you need to increase before you negotiate.
5. Create a strategy to increase or decrease the emotion.
So a list may look like this
Relief + 4 Think about the stress I do not have to live with anymore
Guilty - 8 Write a letter to myself that helps me forgive myself
Sad - 7 Remember this is normal and dedicate sometime to just be sad
Afraid - 5 Write a list of how the Collaborative team members will help
Angry - 7 Work with the Family Coach to decrease this
Hopeful - 4 Create some new rituals and new ideas for our futures.
It is important to remember that you are going to be emotional, that is normal. The emotions have to be manageable to the point where you are able to think during negotiations and come up with viable solutions. This process is generally hard but definitely important.
Written by Sue Cook MEd Counselling, BAFN, CYC RSW, CCC
www.familytlc.ca
